Linda Gleason
 

Linda Gleason
Shaping A Life - B1
Autobiography
9/7/00

It was a warm spring afternoon. I had just moved my six year-old son and myself into the existing home of my future husband. I was excited about our new life together, anxious about my son adjusting to a new home, school and family. But basically I was filled with energy about being given the chance to start over. I was eager to erase the mistakes and regrets of the past and focus on my new "family" and this relationship. I can remember the feeling of that cool breeze and the warm sun upon my face when my fiancé arrived home with the news.

He had been suffering from fatigue, chest pains, and dizziness. At my urging, he went for a medical check up. It was discovered that he had an aortic aneurysm with aortic valve regurgitation and was in need of major open-heart surgery.

Little did I know how that afternoon would shape the next two years of my life or how it would change me so completely. In some ways I will never be the person I was before, will never see the world the same way. To say that there was suffering is accurate but not descriptive.

It began the day I saw my husband lying in the hospital on a respirator. To see him so vulnerable transmuted me. It was as if his spirit had left his body and the stillness was frightening. He was sleeping, a deep sleep and I knew I could not stir him from it, nor could I follow him into it. Of course I couldn't even imagine how this experience would alter his life. But for me, I felt fear and dread. How could I care for him? What would happen to us? What about me? And dare I even think it…what if he died? 

We never spoke of death, but it followed us around for a long while. In fact I know my husband is still haunted by his fears. For me, it has clarified life. I am no longer naive. I take nothing and no one for granted. I realize the importance of each and every day and that our time here is finite. No other experience except having the surgery myself could have taught me this lesson. Somehow during the time I spent caring for my husband physically and emotionally, I realized that it was the single most important contribution that I could make in this life, with the exception of raising my son.

Before this crisis, I was a reluctant witness to my own life. I was failing to live in accordance with my values. I was a divorced, single mother. I would not raise my son in the traditions of a two-parent household. I would not be a stay at home mother. All of my ideals and expectations of life, all of my dreams for my son were shattered. I was wallowing in self-doubt and introspection.

For the first time I had to face myself and ask some difficult questions. Could I marry a man with a life threatening condition? How would I care for him? Would I be able to leave my dreams and really be there for someone else? Be strong in ways I had never even considered before? I had to see myself for the person I really am. My biggest fear came in the form of two questions. How could I sacrifice so much for someone I knew so little? Especially without the fortitude to persevere with the father of my child (for reasons that by this time seemed insignificant in comparison). What kind of person am I, if I can't or won't do this?

I don't know if I ever really answered these questions, except that I knew I had a choice and that choice would define me. It was probably the first time I was acutely aware of selective sacrifice. But with sacrifice came freedom. I made a commitment to myself. I discovered that I had strengths beyond any I could have imagined or pretended to have before. I became a moral person, true to my word.

With this newfound strength, I gained courage and confidence to achieve my own personal goals. I had spent many empty years in service to others without knowing or expressing my true self. Until this experience, I didn't believe that what I had to offer would matter to anyone. It would be dismissive and cliché to say that I wasted so much time. Every step I took along the way brought me closer to this place of self-knowledge and appreciation.

Now, I show up and I believe that I actually have something to offer. My contributions may not be broad in scope but they are significant. If I can positively affect just one person who is in need, then my life has greater meaning.

As a result of my husband's surgery, he has begun collaboration on a book and website devoted to informing and helping people overcome the physical and emotional trauma of surgery. I hope that my contribution will be to support him and the friends and families of heart patients by sharing our stories and listening to theirs.