Will this ever end?

[Mama2Rylan]

Ok you guys...I'm gonna need your honesty here...

So I had my surgery about six weeks ago and everyone says my recovery is going really well...but lately I have been having wierd feelings...like I don't believe it's all really over... This is now my third OH surgery and I have also had back surgery (for scoliosis) so you might be able to see why I am a little nervous...I did have a set back with my last open heart, I developed pnemonia (which thankfully I am getting over) which I am told alot of people get...

It's just that all my family & friends are so happy for me that I had the surgery and I am on the mend...everyone but me. My doctors told me that the surgery went well and within a year my heart will have made a full recovery...but I feel like I am now just waiting for something else to go wrong... Has anyone else ever felt that way? I am trying to think positive and focus on the future but I am not doing a very good job of it :(

[geebee]

It is so hard not to feel the way you do after going through 3 OHS. It is so very common to have the "why me" feelings and spend time waiting for the other things to fall from the sky on your head. Been there, done that.

I am not sure if my words of wisdom will help but I will tell you what I wish someone had told me (who had been through 3 OHS, otherwise no one knows). You have to believe that your life will go on. You have to forget about waiting for the next bad thing to happen and focus on the good things. If you don't you will waste what you have been given by surviving this surgery. If you don't there will have been no reason to go through this surgery.

Things WILL happen to you in the future, it is a given fact. It is part of growing older and simply living. However, you cannot sit around and wait for it.

Please try to enjoy your children. You are way ahead of me there because I was never able to have them. Be happy you are around to see them grow. Remember "life is what happens when you are busy elsewhere" (a little paraphrase, but appropriate in this case). Don't miss out on life waiting for the bad things - they will find you soon enough. Have fun with the good.

[savysmommy]

I have only had one OHS, but feel very similar. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen. Even though everything has been great and gone really well, I constantly wonder if something is wrong, or when will it go wrong, etc. I definitly sympathize there..

I dont know what its like to have more than one surgery, and I can only imagine. Hopefully time will help, and you will be able to move past that part.

Best Wishes,

[knightfan2691]

*chuckles slightly*

Oh my....heh. If some of you only knew some of the thoughts I've had in the last few months ... you would think my "evil twin" was still hanging around.

My "evil twin", for those that don't know or remember, was the one that was rather pessimistic, rather unhappy, rather pissed ... and for whatever reason purchased a fake monte carlo (front wheel drive).

I've been happy to report for the last 2+ years, that "evil twin" is no longer here. However, in the last few months...I've wondered if that "evil twin" was coming back...because I keep thinking, as you noted, Mama2, that something else is going to happen/go wrong.

Yet, despite the "lurking evil twin", I've been able to maintain that "positive appearance" ... and, in doing so, kept myself "above water" and thinking positively. Very tough to remain positive and focus on the future at times (especially with my job situation and a few other personal things), but so far, so good ;).

Thoughts/prayers coming your way, Mama2.


Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"I kept my heart hidden" ... Bryan White ... 'So Much For Pretending'

[bvdr]

The feelings that you have are pretty natural given your history. Depression is very common after heart surgery too. You need to be mindful of that and if these feelings hang around and intensify then do bring them up to your doctor.

I have times when I start feeling a little overwhelmed and even consumed by physical problems. I get mad at myself because I really don't want to live a self-centered life. I want to be productive and helpful and a blessing to those I come in contact with. I have a wonderful family and, even with some of the things I battle, a rich life. I wouldn't have chosen some of my struggles but I believe there is a purpose behind them and for yours as well.

Sure there will be other shoes that fall but the same is true for everyone. Our shoes just aren't the same type, size, or color. Hang in there, kiddo. You can come through this and life will go on and you will be there doing your part. Remember, life is fragile, handle with prayer. Cyber hugs coming your way.

[Ross]

What? Did you all think I was owning this black cloud over me for life? I'll share, heck, I'll give it to anyone that will take it!

[rbl1999]

Hi, I second everything regarding these feelings. I think the key is to keep busy and take the best care of yourself that you can. My husband had a kidney transplant when he was 27 , prostrate cancer a few years ago, and now me with Aorta Valve Replacement.. We have many times wondered WHAT NEXT!!!!! Your feelings are very normal, I also find that exercise helps me a lot, the days that I walk or bike ride I seem to feel so much better... Rose

[Mb]

Hello!

I think lots of folks share this feeling at times. I've certainly had it. And it was my husband who had the valve surgery! And, believe it or not, every 3-4 months post surgery, he has actually had something new to deal with!
We've just come to the conclusion that most here have....something (dark clouds) are going to happen, cuz frankly that's life. It cannot run your life though, as you will indeed miss the wonderful things about your life. I sort of emotionally "save up" the good things, and life my faith, so that when we do hit a burp in the road, I've banked a while lot of love that I can draw on.

Marybeth

[Nancy]

In our lives, Joe's medical problems could be overwhelming, they are numerous and severe. And I've had a few of my own things. We have learned to live for today and only think a little ahead. If we get up in the morning and everything is OK, then we forget about any bad things for that day, and concentrate on what has to be done and on good things. As time goes on and you become more confident in your body's reactions and get in touch with the "new you" post surgery, you will be able to tell if things are going along well for you.

I truly believe that every time we have a huge event of a medical nature, we lose touch with what our old body felt like, and are all at sea. It does take some time to adjust and sort of reinvent yourself.

But you will learn to know yourself and love yourself again.

And as others have said, if it gets to the point that your quality of life is affected by this, call the doc and get some help. Don't ruin an otherwise good life.

Worrying about unnecessary things is time wasted. Only worry when there is REALLY something to worry about, not what MIGHT happen. It might never happen.

[Christina L]

very natural post heart surgery and yes, these negative, depressed thoughts that you are having will end. It just takes time. Right now you are not feeling so good physically so soon out from surgery and that is part of the problem. It really does take about a year to feel 100% plus physically.

I remember not being able to watch anything negative on TV, read anything negative, etc. for months after my surgery. I think that was God helping me out a bit - he knew I didn't need negativity on top of trying to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually because as Ross said to me, "I think heart surgery touches your very soul," and I think he is right. It does something to you.

I would definitely suggest, as others have mentioned, staying busy and my own personal recommendation would be to stay away from negative TV and newspapers. I watched the Food Channel 24/7 - truly. It was the only thing that was 100% free of anything negative that I could find to watch on TV. Keeping busy is key but you have a baby and I'm sure you know how to keep busy! :) Even the shopping network is totally free of negativity - that is definitely easy on a person's mind (maybe not on their wallet, though). ;)

We create our own reality, I am finding. It is really mind over matter with most things in life. What we think is what we become. Keep trying to visualize yourself healthy - that your body is healing and that you are getting better and better every day. Say that to yourself over and over - when those negative thoughts creep in - try to push them out as best as possible.

You are going to be fine - you truly are. This all is a process and it makes us stronger. You have been through more surgeries than a lot of people, including me, and I really feel for you, but I know you have the wherewithal to get through this.

God bless -

Christina L

[atydev]

I too feel that way although since I started getting some happy pills (anti-depressants) I have been able to cope much better and believe me that was the only way my positive attitude came back. I tried to get off the meds but I went right back into that negitive slump and decided I should continue them. I know how you feel ohhhhhhh do I ever and so do most everyone here. Depression is just about a guarentee after surgery. Besides the heart is vital to life and when it is not working right it can be very frightning. Just believe that God has a purpose stay positive and remember we all love you here and these are the greatest friends and support group you will ever find.

[queness]

mostly I've been pretty positive, but in the last couple days, due to pretty severe fatigue, I've wondered whether maybe this is all the progress I'll make, I'll stay in this limbo, even if I know intellectually I'm improving daily.

In chinese medicine, the heart is associated with the emotion of joy. Mess with the heart, mess with your basic joy.

One thing about life is things happen, pleasant and unpleasant. We can't predict them, just deal with them as best we can, enjoy the lovely things and keep that baby close to your heart, it will be the best medicine you have.

Que

[Mama2Rylan]

Thanks guys for all the positive feedback..I am feeling better these days. Of course I do have my ups and downs, but that is normal after something like this. I went to see my cardiologist the other day, and everything she told me seemed very positive so I think that has helped me alot! Plus, now I am getting to spend more time with my son which makes the world of difference :D